So here I am. And here is my life. I'm in Barcelona, I should be fucking happy and I still feel like everything is messed up. I've changed the surrounding. I've changed my home. I've even changed my hair. And still I feel like there's something wrong with me.
I still leave things to the last day. I still spend hours in front of this bloody screen. I still am so bloody selfish and proud. I haven't changed a bit. And it is not the problem, because I love me the way I am. I am like this, and I have to live with it, I'm not going to be anyone else or pretend to be one. But sometimes I just can't stand myself.
And now I have so many doubts in my head that it's going to tear it appart. The rationalist in me is kind of offline and I'm being driven by all these stupid thoughts which now seem not to be so stupid. And I hate writing this because in the end I don't like acting like a victim. I hate victims. And I know I'm strong enough to take the brides of my life as soon as I really know what to do. But the fucking problem is that I don't know it. And I don't know what to do about it. And it's driving me mad.
And that's it. I needed to post it. I may erase this stupid post tomorrow, but at least I feel a little bit lighter. Or sort of.
♪: nocturne - the paul schwartz project
1 comment:
El otro dia un amigo me dijo algo: Da igual que cambies tu vida si no cambias tú. Y es cierto.
Tú y yo compartimos defectos, pero qué se le va a hacer. La pereza y el egoísmo no son más que partes que conforman nuestra persona, al igual que los ataques de risa cuando alguien menciona un arnés o la inseguridad. Así somos, y así nos gusta ser.
No te lleves mal rato por todo lo que podrías ser y no eres. No puedes serlo. Es como si quisieras dejar de ser pelirrojo. Podrías intentar teñirte, pero antes o después volvería tu color natural.
Ánimo, anda.
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