Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm

The lump in my throat hurts so much it does not anymore.
Sometimes you stand between me and reality, and all I see is a windowpane stained with the dirt of fear and regret. And I cannot see anything else, or I forget if I do. And if I try to touch the glass I can feel the breaks in it, cutting my fingertips yet I don't feel anything. That is the problem.

In those moments time goes by fast, and minutes slip between my eyelids until I realize that I've gone blank, and there you are again. In my throat. Clinging to me.

I wonder if I will ever be able to raise my head and look up without hitting my head with the wooden lid.